So much and so little to say. I’ve stayed quiet mostly this year. If you don’t have anything good to say, right?
My life is a lot different from the last time I posted but I would rather save health related stuff for another time. The health thing has been difficult to write about. There has been lots of stages, sort of like the stages of grief or something. So yeah, deep stuff. Save it for later, right now I just want to blather on.
I’m trying to finally catch up on music, after how many years of stagnation?!? It’s sad. I guess I started getting lax about everything after a certain traumatic life event. Pretty much anything I did, I had to make myself do it. I mean like, some serious willing myself to move and do anything that didn’t absolutely have to be done. It’s been six long years. I’ve had moments where I’ve snapped out of it. Did some things that were pretty impressive for me. But largely, I have been just existing. I’d like to change that. I’m still not “well”, but I’m at the point where I have learned enough about what I need to do and what I shouldn’t do.
Some things have been cut out of my life, literally and figuratively. I’ve chopped my hair off. It has been more therapeutic than I imagined it could be. I’ve had short hair before but somehow it feels very new to me. Maybe because it reminds me of the person I used to be, I CAN change again? I deleted my Instagram account with all the real-life people that are constant reminders of the past and I started a new anonymous one. Just for silly posting whims and following trends in music and fashion, etc. Is it wrong that I enjoy looking at pictures from people I don’t know more than people I do? Its has nothing to do with how much I love the people in my life, honestly. I just hate that the simple act of pushing a send button becomes a substitute for individual human interaction. I found it demoralizing…if it’s just random pictures from people I don’t know, that element does not exist. And when I post something, it can be what I want it to be. Just a picture, a simple stand alone statement. No background knowledge of me, judging who I am or what I mean with every post. Not a call to all to take notice. No disappointment when no one does notice either. Then there is the everlong attempt to push out the negative and the constant guilt and to quit letting others make me feel guilty. The person I am is not the person I am striving to be. The person I am is not bad because of my personal failures. Failures are the building blocks of success. I’m trying to see it that way.
I am hoping for some really big things in the next year. For one I want to find the type of exercise I love and that will make my body sing and feel good again. I want to listen to more music and make music again. Yes, I am going to play my guitar and hopefully pick up at least one more hobby. I would like to get back to working outside of the home again. I need to see people. If I can’t work, at least volunteer. I want to meet new friends and reconnect with my old ones. I want to achieve our family goal of moving back to my home state. We all want and need it, badly and in different ways individually. I need the sun and the warmth. I need to feel my feet sinking into the earth every day and breath in salty ocean air. Somewhere where the winter won’t kill me, inside and out. 2015 is a beginning, not an end.